in 30 Days of These Fucking Emails, Yoga Sex Rock God

her husband found out

“pull the fucking car over motherfucker!”

“who is this?”

I knew exactly who it was. I was expecting this call.

“you know who the fuck this is, motherfucker. pull over.”

I looked in my rear-view mirror.


It was dark, but I could see clearly. It was Steve the Dentist.

The husband of the client I was banging. He was out of his mind.

He must have followed me from home.

My parent’s house.

I was 22 years old, and I still lived with them.

Steve’s wife was 42 years old. She was also a dentist… a very successful one.

HER FAULT. “she seduced me, maaaaan”

“Pull the fucking car over motherfucker. You’re fucking dead. You’re dead, motherfucker.”

Shit, man.

Steve’s wife and I started training together about six months earlier at Lifetime Fitness in Orland Park, Illinois – a middle-class suburb of Chicago.

Eventually, I was fired from that job.

Probably for general fuckery but the official reason was “for refusing to clean equipment.” ‍♂️

Whatever. That was the last job I ever had.

I started going to my client’s homes.

Where there are beds… and weight benches. One time, I had the bright idea to TIE THE DOOR SHUT with exercise bands (it didn’t lock) while the dude was home.


Let’s just say that didn’t work out like I had hoped. ‍♂️

This email is getting dangerously close to romance novel shit.

But here’s a little piece of romance for you:

We would meet at this cheesy ass place called “Essence Suites” for their signature “2-hour romantic get-away.”

Once, I pretended to be more tired than I actually was. Just hamming it up until she eventually asked me what was wrong.

“awww no big deal, I was just up all night working because my computer is all old and slow… it just took forever. it’s cool though.”

We went straight to Best Buy, and she bought me a new computer.


I used it to teach myself animation… and I built a website with my friend called filthytshirts dotcom. We sold t-shirts with awful jokes on them. It didn’t last long because I didn’t know wtf I was doing.

But it was my first taste of internet business. And it was fucking magical. 2003.


PS – I’ll tell you what happened with Steve the Dentist in my book. $5.

Go here to get it.